River and the Rock – part art collection, part health journey, part inspiration
Here’s a quick overview
I left an inpatient eating disorder treatment center in LA, “healed” “recovered” and “ready” - or not, 20+ years ago. The past 20 years were certainly not without major ups and downs - maybe even more dramatic than before, but never quite crossing the line into unmanageable or alarming to those around me. (for the most part)
A couple weeks ago I was sent to LA to create some store displays and the hotel I was put in was right on the beach. (!) My job is very solitary, so I spent my time working, eating, sleeping and walking, lots and lots of walking alone. Suddenly I was flooded with memories. I started recalling exact conversations I had with doctors and counselors while I was in treatment. I remember sessions and suggestions. Much of which I never really thought about since coming home. Not sure if I could have remembered if I tried. Somehow the long walks on the very windy beach unlocked my mind.
I also reflected on how much damage I have inflicted on my body over the years - both in active eating disorder mode and in that never ending “miracle” diet mode. I am well aware of some of the damage I caused, the evidence shows up in my wacky heart issues and intense thyroid problems, all the work I’ve had on my teeth and the very familiar, very scary obsessive compulsive/crazy mode that I go into whenever I start the next diet or exercise program. Which is often since I am wearing a frustrating 40+pounds of excess weight – despite my efforts.
I walked and walked and walked. Never felt so much like me. Just me. I am happy with my life and I have loads of big crazy ambitious ideas and plans for the future ….but there is that tiny little nagging fear that I inflicted just too much damage… no turning back.
In a moment I knew what my next project was going to be - textile collages that explore the theme of recovery and restoration one stitch at a time. I sketched out my first project and my 2nd, 3rd, 4th …..the ideas kept coming. I need this project for my own sake. I can also see how this project can have ripple effects and help others too. As much as I never wanted to talk about that time in my life – or the darkness that continues behind the scenes, I suddenly feel like it is my mission to do just that.
I am creating this new collection to help me keep my health journey on track. This time it goes deeper than just weight loss or fitness or getting back on my feet after yet another hospital stay. I am going for transparency, no secrets, pure truth – I am facing down my fears and am inviting others to follow me.
FYI – my Instagram feed will not be full of recipes or must have supplements or fitness programs. Not fueling that monster anymore. In fact instead of my usual list of “will nots” like no dairy, no meat, no carbs….
this time my “will nots” include -I will not cut out food groups, I will not starve, I will not rely on supplements or diet gurus.
I will stitch and discover true healing. I will lean in and face my biggest fears with faith and a clear mind.
Welcome to River and the Rock. Stay Strong.